Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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