And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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