I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I intend to get homeless drunk
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
