My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
