he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
