i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
