Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
