You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Gay?
German.
Pity.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
