Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
