I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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