I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
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