My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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