thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Boobs speak an international language.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
