I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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