Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
