He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
