I didn't shave. On purpose
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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