The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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