Old men and throwing up are my life now.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Randomize
