All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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