mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
