dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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