i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
