Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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