the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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