Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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