The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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