While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
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Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
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You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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