That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
