"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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