you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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