sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The Olympian is in my bed
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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