update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
my shit smells like andre
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
