so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
