saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
