the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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