Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
