Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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