I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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