Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
