last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
