Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
