Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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