What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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