a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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