hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
