Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
They took my balls.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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