I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
