made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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