the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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