I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
