Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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