Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
