Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
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Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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