he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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