I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He better not be in your backpack
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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