Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
