My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Randomize
