the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
