The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
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I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
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Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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